How Did I Get Here?

This post is extremely personal to me. My weight (as many of you know) has been an uphill battle most of my life. My first memory of realising I was chubby was in ballet class. I remember looking in the mirror at all the other pretty, long legged little girls and being very aware that I did not look like them and that it did not work in my favour. I wasn't always overly self conscious about it though, I had good friends and my Dad was very encouraging and kind about it. My mom was another story but she tried to do what she thought was right for me, and I have to appreciate that, especially being a mom myself. I have always had a huge loud personality and it was easiest to be the precocious one, and the funny one, and the crazy one than the skinny one. As I got older the weight followed me. Eventually I quit ballet to hang out and get wasted with my friends, and most of my physical activity stopped besides walking from one party to another all across Erin Mills and Clarkson. When my parents split up I was 17 and I ate my way through their divorce. When I left for university at 19 years old, I was 175 pounds.

This was my 26th birthday,
not far from my goal weight of 145 pounds.

When I first met my husband in 2005 he was clear that my weight at the time ( a well carried 220 pounds) was not at all an issue for him, and I loved him for that. About 5 months into our relationship, I joined weight watchers at 209 pounds and lost 54 pounds in 9 months. I was 155 pounds and 10 pounds away from my goal and then I moved in with Daniel and it all slowly fell apart. A true testament to how badly I self sabotage. I went to the gym less, I ate more, I drank more wine. Eventually the portion sizes also got bigger and bigger.

Then we started to plan our wedding. I am a stress eater pure and simple...2 years later, my wedding dress didn't fit and I was sitting at 188 pounds on my wedding day. I was devastated. I started to lose weight again after our honeymoon and before I could make much progress I was pregnant (which was planned and wonderful!). I took the mentality that I might as well eat whatever I want because I'll just throw it all up soon anyway. But that didn't happen. I had an easy pregnancy with zero issues and no sickness at all. So instead of being mindful and working out and eating well because I felt awesome, I gorged myself for 9 months on food and sat on my ever growing ass, in spite of it. In the end my blood pressure skyrocketed after I gained over 70 pounds and tipped the scales at 268 pounds at 38 weeks pregnant. I never did weigh myself the day James was born. It was insanity. I ended up with a c-section for my 11.1 pound baby.  Go figure.

7 weeks after J was born.

As of Monday, oh God, I cannot believe I am about to do this...I am sitting at 238 pounds. I am sitting here staring at these numbers thinking how the hell did I let this happen, again? Oh the games our minds play with us when it comes to addictions.

So there you have it, the mini story about my life as a big girl. Time to change the script.

So here is the deal, I will lose as much as I can in the next 7 months. Safely! I will report weekly on my progress!

I want to say thank you for all of the support already guys, It amazes me how you rally around with such love and faith in me! It's truly appreciated. There's no motivation like everyone you know telling you they believe in you!
xo