"If you suppress grief, it can well redouble".

How much of an affect on your soul can grief and sadness have?

Is Moliere correct? Can it redouble if left suppressed? Can it become self destructive and sabotage your life?

I wonder this, because sometimes I feel like it's possible that all of the loss and anger I have faced over the last year and a half, has permanently damaged me emotionally. I have become angry and easily frustrated. I am now the proud owner of pitiful jealously, which is new to me on this level. I have recently hurt people very deeply who probably cared about me, and obviously cared more than they should have. It was not my intent to cause them any hurt but my careless, untrue and malicious words took over the kindness and common sense I was raised with. In the end, it has put me in a place of serious reflection. I walked around my house for a week with a heavy heart and a sick stomach. I choose to speak about my actions with 3 of the people closest to me, including my husband. I have to thank them for their support and willingness to call me out on my bullshit and put me in my place. It is the best kind of friend whom you can come to in shame.

I have decided to dedicate the 40 days of lent to getting a started on my journey back to the person I know I am. The person I haven't been in a long time. I am trying to be mindful of every thought I have. In doing so I have quickly discovered how rude and impatient I am in the chaos of my own mind. I don't think we often acknowledge that we may not be as super awesome as we let on we are, but this is a very individual journey. Looking back and taking account of all the times you have been a complete dick to someone for no reason. Or for good reason but still unjustified, is a shockingly humbling experience.

This journey of self help and growth that I am in will only be in vain if I do not attempt to change who I am fundamentally in the darker parts of me. Is it possible? I don't know. Maybe the wise man is right, maybe there is no cure for asshole. Or, maybe there is. I am starting grief therapy this month. I hope that it can take some of the pain out of my heart maybe and help me replace it with compassion. It's even more obvious now that by getting healthier I will also feel better about myself and maybe much less resentful of others personal happiness. Wow, that's the first time I have said that out loud, and it saddens me that's it's true these days.

I am very lucky in the sense that while I cannot change the less than kind things I have done in my lifetime, maybe the good things I have done can propel me to do better in the immediate future.

Maybe, if I live my life mindful of that level of kindness, eventually it will become habit.